Episode 83: Advocating for Your Journey with Confident Communication

Master the art of effective communication and unlock the power of self-care in this thought-provoking episode. Join us as we explore the intricate dynamics of expressing our needs and feelings, even in the face of past traumas that may hold us back. Discover actionable strategies for approaching conversations without taking things personally and learn how to assertively advocate for yourself. Our expert guest shares invaluable insights on the importance of active listening and choosing the right moment for dialogue to reduce defensive reactions. Get ready to confidently navigate challenging conversations and prioritize your own self-advocacy for a healthier and more fulfilling life.

In the second part of this episode, we dive into the principles of personal growth through self-care. Reflect on three pivotal questions that can transform your life and gain a fresh perspective on the importance of surrounding yourself with like-minded individuals who inspire you. Understand that while change is within your control, it is not your responsibility to change others. Embrace the power of shifting your perspective to overcome life's challenges and embark on a journey of transformation. Don't miss this empowering discussion that will leave you motivated to prioritize self-care and pursue your dreams with unwavering determination.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the Self-Care Society podcast with your hosts Celia Williamson, ashley Kuchar, louie Guardiola and Keri Shaw, a podcast devoted to those whose job it is to help others get or remain mentally, physically and emotionally healthy, but who also need to take care of themselves. And how we're going to do this? By first showing you the filtered, pretty version of success, and then the real struggles, real work and raw grit it took to get there, how they took care of themselves and also achieved their goals while doing it Together. We will work with you to improve and maintain your internal health and growth, while helping you achieve your external goals and your next professional achievement in life, and we're excited to show you how to follow your own individual and unique path and achieve the dreams you have while taking good care of yourself. So let's get started.

Speaker 2: 1:01

Welcome back everyone to the self-care podcast. I am LaShonna Alfred and today I want to talk to you about effective communication, with keeping in mind that sometimes we may tell ourselves that what we have to say don't matter. We may feel like individuals are not listening to us or don't even care about what it is that we have to say, or maybe sometimes you may find yourself shutting down Wherever you find yourself. As you're listening to this podcast, I want you to just notice how your system responds to what I'm going to share with you today. Oftentimes, when we're engaging in a conversation and someone says something that appears harsh, if you find yourself shutting down, that can be a result of some earlier unprocessed trauma trauma If you're presently in a present day conversation with children, spouses, supervisor, whoever it may be, and their response triggers you to shut down. I want you to pause and really think about an earlier time that you felt your voice didn't matter, or earlier time that you tried to communicate your needs and you didn't get the results that you have. A lot of us are walking through this thing called life, with bags, bags, cartons, right Bott, bottles of unprocessed trauma, unhealed areas in our lives, and some of us don't even recognize it. But today I want to share with you a couple of steps, some principles that has helped me in my own life to effectively communicate, and number one is not taking anything personal.

Speaker 2: 3:02

I've learned in my own life that I'm not in control of how another person thinks, how they feel, how they respond any of that. I'm only in control of how I think, react and respond and, in this case, how I communicate. And so whenever I find myself getting ready to deal with or confront a challenging situation, one of the things or one of the questions I ask myself is what is my motive? What is my motive for going to my supervisor about this? What is my motive for going to my spouse about this? What is my motive for talking to my children about this? Because if my motive is anything other than what's in my control, I may find myself triggered. I may find myself frustrated, hurt, angry, right. What do I mean if I go into a conversation, you know, with a motive of another person's response? Well, the thing is is that I don't know how my supervisor will respond when I go to him or her and ask them about a raise. I don't know how they're going to respond, but I do know that if I go to them about a raise, that they heard my request Now, whether they give me the raise or not, does not mean they didn't hear me, does not mean they didn't hear me.

Speaker 2: 4:29

And so we have to heal from other earlier experiences that may have us putting our voices on mute, how we feel on mute and learning how not to assume people should know. So here we are hard worker, coming in early, staying late. We should just assume, right, we will assume that our supervisor will recognize our hard work and say, hey, you deserve a raise. Well, that sounds good and that would be nice, but oftentimes it doesn't happen like that. We have to begin to advocate for ourselves. So you know, if you're in a relationship, you may want your partner to recognize that you're tired and you need some help, but the reality is, if you don't communicate it, they may not just willingly offer help in different situations.

Speaker 2: 5:14

So today I really want to help you with a few strategies on communicating your need, and the first one is clarity. You want to make sure you clearly state what you need, right, without any room for misinterpretation. Be clear about what you need. I often say to my husband. I say you don't have to guess what I need because I'm going to communicate it. You don't have to guess, you don't have to think that maybe what I'm saying is not really what I mean, because I'm going to say what I mean and I mean exactly what I said. And that may sound harsh but that came from years of feeling unheard, years of silence in my voice, right and going alone just to get alone. So number one is clarity Be clear about your need. Number two is assertive right. When we're talking about assertive is literally expressing your needs confidently and respectfully. Right, not trying to make someone see things the way you see it or make someone do what you want them to do, but simply owning how you see a thing, how you feel about a thing and what you think about them. So assertiveness is number two. Number four or number three, I'm sorry is timing. Choose the right moment to communicate your needs. Pay attention, oftentimes I find people trying to communicate a need during a high argument right, where emotions are high, and that's not the time to communicate a need because no one is listening. So you want to choose the right moment to communicate. And if I know that me and my spouse is in a disagreement and he's in his corner. I'm in my corner. That may not be the time for me to choose to communicate about something else that irritated me. He's not listening. The defenses are going to come up, so timing is very important.

Speaker 2: 7:18

Number four active listening. Right, so you want to encourage others to share their perspective, right, share their thoughts and feelings about what you're bringing to the table, about the situation. You want to literally be open, actively listen. Because, again, to literally be open, actively listen, because, again, I've learned in my own life it's better for me to listen so I can understand what's happening than for me to really talk and be understood. Even when I'm doing couples counseling, one of the things I realized and I helped the couples understand is if everybody's trying to be right and if everybody is trying to be heard, nobody is listening. Did you hear that If everyone is trying to be right and everyone is trying to be heard, nobody is listening? We're not leaving room to actively listen. So we want to literally listen so we can understand. That is an art and that has to be intentional.

Speaker 2: 8:20

Number five is flexibility being open to negotiation and compromise. Right To meet mutual needs, whatever that is, it can be in your family, family relationships, your business relationships. You want to be flexible and not so rigid in your stance, being adaptable, making sure you're adjusting your communication style to suit the situation. Do your volume have to be turned up all the way to max? What does that look like? Because remember our cadence, our volume, our tone, all of that, our body language, our verbal and nonverbal cues, all of that play a part in another person's receptivity to what you have to say.

Speaker 2: 9:11

Remember, depending on how you approach a situation, individuals may get defensive. So really pay attention to what you're actually saying, how you're actually saying it and how your body is speaking. In this situation, those nonverbal cues are very important. Pay attention to that and listen for feedback. Right, you want to provide space for feedback. Like, if you're talking for 15, 20 minutes, people are going to shut down. If you say something and a person is trying to get clarity on something you say then and you get defensive.

Speaker 2: 9:51

Now you feeling like someone is interrupting you. Then that's not going to be good healthy communication and we're not going to be good, healthy communication and we're not going to get anywhere. And now I'm arguing about you interrupting me and I'm not even dealing with whatever it was that I was talking to you about in the first place. So now I'm just putting you know, piling more stuff in my frustration container or my frustration box, and so just being open and flexible when you're communicating, empathy, being sensitive to other feelings and viewpoints so I may not agree with you, but I can acknowledge and appreciate what you're saying, I can hold what you're saying with some compassion and some sympathy, without necessarily changing my viewpoint about a matter. So I believe that as we practice some of these principles when we're communicating, you'll notice that your frustration level will minimize. Will minimize Because often we're interpreting a person's behavior, a person's response, based on other or past unprocessed trauma, unprocessed hurt, and so now it's hard for me to be present because I haven't dealt with earlier situations, earlier things that may have hurt me, earlier events.

Speaker 2: 11:27

And so today, as you're going through and embarking on the month of May, I just encourage you to change it up a little bit. Make up in your mind that you're not taking anything personal. Make up in your mind that if it's something that you want to change, you will change it. Notice that if there's something that you want to change, you will change it and you won't ask for permission. I heard someone quote and they said change the people around you or change the people around you. Change the people around you or change the people around you Right, so we know that we can't change people Like I can't literally get inside of my child and make them do whatever it is I want them to do.

Speaker 2: 12:19

I can't make you know a friend or associate or whatever be who I think they should be. But I can change how often I'd be around them. I can change my circle of influence. And so this whole thing of no new friends will keep you stuck in the past. It's me opening myself up to new friends, new influences, that helped me in my career, my personal development, my spiritual development and my emotional development.

Speaker 2: 12:55

And so, as you're listening to this, really do some self-assessing and ask yourself a couple of questions. One, do I like how I respond? Two, do I like being easily agitated or frustrated? Three, am I willing to do what it takes to make change? Whatever you answer, whatever your answer is to those three questions, it will guide the remainder of your life and the remainder of this year. Whatever your answers are to those three questions and I'm saying you have the power to make the change. You have the power to do what's necessary in order to protect your peace, in order to grow up spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically, financially. It's in your control.

Speaker 2: 13:59

I remember working for an agency and I communicated my need. They weren't willing to meet that need, which was their prerogative, which was in their control. But then I had a decision to make Do I stay there or do I change and look for something else? And that's what I did. I had a choice. It's the power of choice. I did. I had a choice. It's the power of choice. I made my requests known. I believe I communicated effectively, they shared where they were and I made a decision to do what was best for me.

Speaker 2: 14:38

So I encourage you to take these principles and see where you can apply it in your life. Ask yourself those three questions. Connect with some healthy people, some individuals who may be where you desire to be and watch change take place. Be encouraged wherever you are, as you're listening to this. Change is possible and it's in your control to change. What's not in your control is changing others. You, literally, we can change our perspective and our perception about those around us and the things that we may go through. So again, happy May, happy self-care day. Thank you for tuning in.

Speaker 1: 15:37

That concludes this week's episode. And remember, it's not selfish, it's self-care.