Have you ever wondered what it's like to thrive in a transient lifestyle while juggling roles as a social worker, military spouse, and mother? Lindsey Fawley steps into the spotlight to unravel these complexities with grace and candor. Her story reveals how an extrovert like herself harnesses her personality to build and maintain vital community connections in the ever-shifting sands of military life. Through laughter and earnest reflection, Lindsay lays bare the dance of family balance, particularly when it intertwines with the introspective world of her PhD-pursuing husband.
Lindsey's work bio:
Have you ever wondered what it's like to thrive in a transient lifestyle while juggling roles as a social worker, military spouse, and mother? Lindsey Fawley steps into the spotlight to unravel these complexities with grace and candor. Her story reveals how an extrovert like herself harnesses her personality to build and maintain vital community connections in the ever-shifting sands of military life. Through laughter and earnest reflection, Lindsay lays bare the dance of family balance, particularly when it intertwines with the introspective world of her PhD-pursuing husband.
Lindsey's work bio:
Welcome to the Self Care Society podcast with your hosts Celia Williamson, ashley Kutcher, louis Guardiola and Carrie Shaw, a podcast devoted to those whose job it is to help others get or remain mentally, physically and emotionally healthy, but who also need to take care of themselves.
Speaker 2:How we're going to do this? By first showing you the filtered, pretty version of success and then the real struggles, real work and raw grit it took to get there, how they took care of themselves and also achieved their goals while doing it.
Speaker 1:Together, we will work with you to improve and maintain your internal health and growth, while helping you achieve your external goals and your next professional achievement in life.
Speaker 3:And we're excited to show you how to follow your own individual and unique path and achieve the dreams you have, while taking good care of yourself. So let's get started.
Speaker 2:Welcome to this week's episode of Self Care Society's podcast. I am your host, Carrie Shaw. This week, our guest is Lindsay Folly. She is an Ohio licensed independent social worker with a supervision designation, a military spouse, mother of two, return Peace Corps volunteer and is currently a senior manager for the learner support team at Per Scholas, focused on capacity building for our veteran and military spouse learners. She currently lives on a military base at the National Training Center at Fort Orwin, California. Lindsay is passionate about mentorship for military spouses and expanding opportunities for military spouse employment. Welcome to the podcast, Lindsay. Thank you so much, Carrie. Is there anything I missed that you would like to share?
Speaker 3:No, I think you did a great job. I'm also a proud Bobcat oh fantastic.
Speaker 2:All right. So we're excited to be reaching Bobcats and beyond with our podcast. So, lindsay, as you know, our first question for this podcast is who is the real Lindsay Folly? So when we talk to you, other people about who you are, how would you, how would they describe you using the REEL Falling of the word? Give me the REEL, yes. So who's the who do? How do people see you on the outside? I guess Lindsay. Oh, okay, the movie reel of Lindsay.
Speaker 3:Oh, movie reel. I think that the first thing people probably noticed about me is I am an extreme extrovert. I get my energy from people. I have friends all over the US and all over the world and that is probably the thing that I love about myself the most and that, you know, just bringing my authentic bubbly a little out. You know, out there kind of outgoing personality to everything that I do.
Speaker 3:So and I try to not to not base who I am. It's very hard nowadays to not base who you are based off other people. So you know they always say, how would you describe yourself if you couldn't talk about that in relationship to other people? And so I am also a mother, I am also a military spouse. I am all of these different things that also encompass who I am. But I think at my heart, through all of those things, I am an extrovert that just loves being around people and loves making friends. I don't think I've ever really met a stranger.
Speaker 2:I would imagine that really serves you well, given that I know you've moved around a lot and probably had to build community everywhere you go. Sorry, I would imagine that's a good kind of tool in your toolkit to have your extroversion.
Speaker 3:Yes, we move around. So we are a military family. My husband is active duty army and we move about every two years. Since we got married we've lived in Washington state, we've lived in Georgia, we were lucky enough to live in Ohio, in Athens, twice, which is how you and I are connected one of many ways. And now we live in Southern California at Fort Irwin, which is a very remote, very isolated military base in the middle of the Mojave Desert. And one of the unique things about living here is we are 30 miles from the closest town. So our community is very small. It's very tight-knit. You know people in multiple different capacities because it is like the smallest little hometown. We say it's the world's largest cul-de-sac. We are on a two-way street 30 miles into the Mojave Desert and there's just the little town here.
Speaker 2:So yeah, wow. So I wonder, as an introvert myself, what's it like to be an extrovert in such a small town?
Speaker 3:So I think it's really fun, but it can cause a lot of burnout. And I know that we're talking about self care, and so I am married to an introvert and I think that those of us that have partners that are introverts, we also have to learn how to take care of them, and how we take care of them might be different than how we take care of ourselves as well. So, for me, I love being around people. Going to community events and things like that energizes me and I come home and I'm bubbly and I just want to talk. And sometimes for my spouse you know he's been around people all day he comes home and he needs just that quiet, peaceful time to you know, relax, lay on the couch and watch Bluey with our daughter. We're taking kind of zone out. He's also working on his PhD from OU, and so you know he finds a lot of joy and self care from his reading and his writing and that really feeds him. Where, for me, I'm like ooh, there's a social event, sign me up. So yeah.
Speaker 2:How about so? If others see you as this bubbly, extroverted person who's ready to jump at any, any social event, which is certainly how I would describe you? Who is the real Lindsay like? Are you a L? So how? How is that different for you? What do people not know about you, or what's your journey been like?
Speaker 3:So I think that one of the things I think we all do, you know and say when we reach a certain age, I'm not 40 yet, but I'm almost 40. It's very interesting in in our life and living on a military base, the majority of fellow spouses that I meet traditionally are younger than me. I'm kind of the older echelon. I married my husband when Iraq and Afghanistan were still going on and our military and military support systems looked vastly different than they do now. At the time it was a time of extreme patriotism and kind of that fervor and that collective connectedness with the military. And then, throughout our time, just as things normally progressed, you know, we, we thankfully, you know we haven't had the same level of involvement in global conflict and things like that. And so the army has changed, the military has changed and I think with that, you know, it's strange now to look at myself and realize like I'm, I'm one of the older people, like I'm finding that I have to, you know, do some self reflection and adapt to make sure that I, in my mentorship roles and in my connection with people, that I'm remaining relevant Now not so relevant that I'm on TikTok, but at least relevant in making sure that we're. You know that we're meeting the needs, especially in that mentorship realm, of the new people that are joining our, our community of military spouses and thankfully it's a lot more diverse of a community than when my husband and I got married and it's a lot more of I say this it's a lot more diverse and a lot more supportive of the individual. So when my spouse and I got married, only two of the spouses that I knew had jobs outside of their home and everybody else was definitely working inside the house. I say that you know the short period of time that I have been I don't like the phrase stay at home spouse or stay at home mom because you are working that I was outside of paid work is. I guess I should say that Absolutely, that you know there were just not many of them at the time and now I work full time and I would say we have very few people that don't have some kind of outside employment and so that's really kind of a cool thing with our community. So when I look at like who, who I really am, I think you know, I still think I'm very true to that bubbly kind of outgoing. I, like I said, I don't hardly ever meet someone. That's really a stranger. I think that that's a place in myself that I have found a lot of pride and a lot of, a lot of self care actually, because it gives me an identity outside of a mom, outside of a military spouse, and that is kind of something that is pervasive through who I am, just by nature of that role that our family is in. But I do, I have a lot of pride and it was actually pretty cool.
Speaker 3:The story of how I started working outside the home and became a social worker was we were my husband and I were at JBLM. He had just finished a deployment in Afghanistan and it was a really tough deployment. We lost quite a few soldiers across the larger unit and I had been on something called a CARE team, which is where a small group of family members go to support a family right after they lose a soldier. And I went on one CARE team and the family. They had lived there for maybe two or three years and the spouse didn't have any friends and she didn't even know the names of the other parents of the kids that her children played with and it was about a day or two until their family could join them up at Fort Lewis and that just stuck with me so much. And then after that I went through, my husband was gone. I went through a period of really depression, looking back at it and I didn't know what to do. And I reached out to our M Flak it's military family life consultant or counselor and he was a guy named Bob, kind of short, bald head. I'll never forget him and he helped me so much through that time and even afterwards, just mentoring me about what this life I had just joined was. And he told me hey, you should look into being a social worker. You really care about people but you don't have the tools and you don't know how to take care of yourself in that journey.
Speaker 3:And we were moving to Ohio University for my husband to work in the ROTC department and I sent an email to the director and I can't remember her name right now. Oh no, I hear her name. I want to find. I will get back to you with her name. But I sent the director an email because it was after the deadline of admissions and I said, hey, this is who I am. I've got two years, I'm going to be at OU.
Speaker 3:I really want to be a social worker. You know what can I do? Can you help me out? What do you recommend? And she was so kind and she wrote me back and she said send me all of your application. I understand my. I think her father had been in the military and she saw the struggles that her mom had gone through and she was like you know, we'll accept your, your application. And ever when that happened, I remember thinking like I will do everything in my power to be the best student that I could be given this opportunity and I loved my time at OU and after I finished, I became a social worker. It took me about four years to finish my independent license, between moves and finding supervisors that could supervise me appropriately, jobs and different things like that and that. But once I got that I, once I got my I and then I got my S, life has has been amazing, and so I try to do the same for other military spouses and for other people in my situation.
Speaker 2:So yeah, I think I mean Lindsay. I've just this whole time been thinking about the self care in this context of the military. Like we, it's a special, it has a special place, I think, within that community and I would just be interested to hear, like, what you learned and how you help other people take care of themselves in this city.
Speaker 3:So one of the things and I'll speak specifically to like my fellow military spouses, I am not a veteran. I do work with a lot of veterans and I've worked for the VA. I've just spent a lot of time working for the state of Georgia and now I work for a nonprofit and most all of those things have had some connection with veterans or military spouses. But I think for military spouses, the biggest thing for self care that I recommend is you find your people that support you and that take care of you, and you find that thing, both within and outside of that community, that make you who you are and fit right with you. So for some people like me, I am the first person to raise my hand to volunteer for something and that is part of my self care. And for other people that is very much not part of their self care and that's okay. So being I say being a military spouse is a microcosm of the larger world. So, just as if you were not a military spouse, you're going to find those things that make you you, whether that's joining a local motorcycle riding club or roller derby or you know that's you want to be part of a book club. So my best friends here are very introverted and she's like I just want to do book club and that's my thing and that is wonderful for her and I think that that gives her that fulfillment because it can be really tough, especially where we're at right now. Like I said, fort Irwin, we're very unique base. We're very isolated. There is no community outside of the base. It's about 30 miles away and it's so you really you're very concentrated here and I want to describe this it's. I love it because I think it can in a good way get people outside of their comfort zone in that if, if you're going to make friends, they're going to be here. So our soldiers go out into the box, which is what we call our training area, and they're gone for usually two to three weeks at a time, depending on what they do and their role, kind of, within the larger military organization, and that can cause a lot of hardships for those of us back at home and stress, but the good thing is our soldiers are never more than an hour and a half away. That's what my husband likes to say is there's never a reason to miss a birth. There's never a reason to miss if your kid gets sick and has to go to the hospital, there's nothing that prevents our leadership from bringing your soldier back to their family, but, assuming everything goes well, they're usually gone for good two weeks at a time, every month or so, and so you really learn to rely on your community and your friends and those little life hacks and life skills that help you take care of yourself.
Speaker 3:For me, one of my most practical self care tips is I use plastic cutlery and disposable plates when my husband is gone. I hate doing dishes. It is the bane of my existence. I was not. I'm the only daughter of a single mom. Housework was not at the priority list. It is not something I'm good at. I don't like it, and so that's one of the things that I finally just let go of. My house does not always have to be perfect and I don't always have to do dishes. I love it.
Speaker 3:I love it, yep, and that's okay and I outsource where I can. I have a wonderful. My daughter is three now, which is kind of crazy because when I left y'all I was pregnant. I know my oldest is eight. I was pregnant during my last semester of grad school and yeah, it's been that long.
Speaker 3:So anyway, but my daughter her what we call FCC provider, family childcare provider is a literal saint. She is amazing and I could not do what I do professionally or personally. I would not be as healthy of a person if it weren't for Miss Mariam and she gets so much credit in my self-care too, and as a parent and as a mother, I really had to kind of let go of that guilt that I think we as moms can put on ourselves and parents. I know my dad, I know that my husband has some dad guilt, that he's gone a lot, but that we try to talk about that and we try to when we're here and when we're with our kids we really try to be as present as we can be. But yeah, I think one of the other big self-care things for me over time has been like not having shame in the outsourcing to the experts. So I have a wonderful friend who also cleans houses she's here, and Sierra is another one of my community that helped me get through the day.
Speaker 3:And, yeah, there's no shame if you've got that. You've got the capacity and the resources to outsource things that you're not an expert in, let the expert to do it. And so, yeah, and own that, and that's absolutely okay. I'm also not a very good cook, and so there's another spouse here that just opened a bakery business, and Hailey is awesome, and when I need to bring stuff to a potluck, she's my first call. So we're my first Facebook or my first text, and so I think, leaning into your community and finding those people that help you be the best version of yourself that you can be, and whether that's through supporting them in their businesses or trading, babysitting with someone, that you watch each other's children or something like that and, like I said, because we are so small and isolated, you learn to lean into those wonderful people in your community on so many different levels.
Speaker 2:I love that, Lindsay. So I hear you saying you don't have to be all the things, that you can really rely on the people around you and that you have this mutual aid kind of perspective in your community. But you trade off skills for where they need each other.
Speaker 3:We do. Yeah, because it's not your skill doesn't mean it's not somebody else's skill. And I think that when I as an individual, when I started to let go of the thought, like you said, that I had to be everything, you know, I had to be the perfect army wife and the perfect worker and the perfect mom. And that's not gonna happen and you know, and it takes time and it takes a lot of work and I wouldn't say that I'm perfect at it now, but I do give myself a lot more grace and it makes me happier, makes people around happier and it also, you know, it supports those other people in doing what makes them happy. So, whether you know that's like a business that they've created or it's just something personal to who they are like.
Speaker 3:I was saying the childcare thing. I have a friend down the street that we're a very small base. She is a part-time nurse in our labor and delivery unit on our base. So if her spouse is out in the box, her kids come to me. And if I am away late for something and she's not working that night, you know my kids can go to her. And I always say, over the course of our friendship, it'll all work out in the wash so we never keep track of hours or money or anything like that and it just it's very organic. But it's also really cool because I know that when her kids come to me you know when she's on call, it's because somebody else in our community they needed another nurse in labor and delivery and childcare can be really difficult to find here in our community. And so you know, I'm proud of that. I don't think there I feel maybe a little strange saying proud, but I really am. I'm proud that our community relies on each other like that and that we have those connections.
Speaker 3:And that's what I try to impart to new military spouses too. Is it? The hardest thing is that first step out your front door to an event, especially if you're an introvert, and that's really hard and I think that should be applauded. And yeah, I think that in it's hard because you're always having to do that. You did that once when you were at Fort Stewart. Oh my gosh, I got to do that again now that we're at Fort Erwin. I got to do that again now that we're at Fort Lewis. But I also think that it's a skill that we can learn, so I don't think that we're stuck forever in, you know, in that space because you can learn okay, you can psych yourself up for it and you can learn those skills to get out there and make those connections. Because, like I said, that experience that I had so long ago With the family the Gold Star family that had lost their soldier, it just made it so imperative to me that you need community and you don't need them just in case something bad happens, but you need them for when the good things happen.
Speaker 3:You need them when you're celebrating the successes and you know you're there for each other through, through the ups and downs. And kind of the cool thing is is kind of like you and I experienced both being Peace Corps volunteers you will meet them again and they are everywhere and so you never know when you're gonna be stationed somewhere again together or when you know you've got a problem and you can just call that number. You haven't, you know the text, that number. I guess nobody calls anymore, but you text that number and you haven't talked to him in 10 years. And now you're stationed together and they're right there to you, know to be there for you and you get to be right there to be there for them too.
Speaker 2:I love that. Yes, so community it.
Speaker 3:It adds and flows and it's oh Gosh, I just think about you never know who's gonna show up next door when you move around, or and so much of it in our community, because we're a microcosm of a larger community of just women, mostly women, I will say we do have a fair number and it's becoming more and more of military spouses that that identifies male.
Speaker 3:Which is great is that you get to help other people make connections too. I find a lot of joy in that. So I know someone here that is going to Fort more, which used to be called Fort Benning in Columbus, georgia, and Her husband is going to work for someone that my husband used to work for and so making those connections for other people on Facebook and those little heard someone say you know, the opposite of a trigger is a glimmer. I've heard that a couple times and it's a glimmer in my day and just I got to connect people and Bring some joy to them because now they're connected and they're talking about when they're gonna live and where they're sending their kids to school and where you know they're both Catholic, so where are they gonna go to church at, and All of those kind of things and those little glimmers of goodness throughout your day. Um, those are.
Speaker 2:What a great takeaway for anyone, military or not. But the opposite of a trigger is a glimmer Fantastic, lindsay. So I Really appreciate this conversation because I think that Sometimes the, the military world is mysterious to those of us who aren't really part of it. Yet there's so much that's transferable to all of us, that community is so important and that we, you know, lean into Asking for help when we need it. And and that's okay, I know we're all helpers and we're all help use at different times in our lives. So I wonder if you have any, any final thoughts on self-care or any like? I know you're an extrovert, what, what does self-care looks look like for you? Aside from going to these events, is there something special that you would like to share?
Speaker 3:me. I think that if being part of a community is part of your self-care like it is for me and you go somewhere or you have a time where there isn't a community that you're walking into, if you're in a space where you can build that community, I think that you should go for it. I remember when we moved back to Athens. So my husband had been an APMS, which was an assistant professor of military science at OU, and we got to know everybody and then we left and we were gone for like four or five years and we came back during COVID and I was pregnant and I had my daughter in June of 2020, which was just a crazy time for everybody and nobody felt like we had any community. We had just moved. We didn't know anybody in our neighborhood and I happened to reach out to people that I had known beforehand or they had seen that we were moving back and slowly, even during that time of COVID, that community grew and it was the little things you could do to nurture it.
Speaker 3:I will never forget Dr Johnson, leslie, coming and bringing me sourdough bread every other week for like two or three months after I had my daughter, and she would just drop it off in the mailbox because we couldn't be around people then and that's someone that had been a professor for me, that I very much looked up to, and then I felt like through that and then through some of our time afterwards just kind of a deeper friendship evolved and that was really special and just feeding into those things that build that community for you.
Speaker 3:So by the time we left Athens for a second time, I mean Athens is a really special place, not just when you're in school, but my husband and I like to say Athens is as close to home as we're ever going to get in the military and I think the people there are really special because I think they are intentional about their community and they're inclusive. I'm a big fan of the More the Marrier and it's some of its I don't even know how to describe it, but those little glimmers, those little things like. I still have a sign in my bathroom from your women's gift exchange that someone had painted and it says like wash your hands and know that you can make it through the day, and it's this beautiful kind of hand, not calligraphy. What do you call it like hand lettering there's the word hand lettering with some eucalyptus leaves around it and I will take that with me forever because it's those reminders about community and community overall. Community is my self-care. Community is how I take care of myself.
Speaker 2:Thank you, lindsay. This has been great. I really appreciate you joining us today and sharing a little bit of your experience and giving everyone some insight into what it's like to be part of a military family and a military community. So thanks for sharing your wisdom and best wishes in the future.
Speaker 3:Thank you so much.
Speaker 2:That concludes this week's episode. And remember, it's not selfish, it's self-care.